SCENE: Press conference. REPORTERS are jockeying for position near the dais, mumbling "peas and carrots, peas and carrots" in order to sound like a louder crowd. PR FLACK comes to the dais, grasps the microphone on a gooseneck stand, which emits a howl of feedback
PR FLACK: Thank you. That was Dazed and Confused, by Led Zeppelin. If you'll come to order, at least as close to order as you ink-stained wretches can manage with the promise of two drink tickets, Fishbelly White will make a statement. If you'll shut the f--- up for 30 seconds. Mr. White?
FBW: Call me Fish. The irony will become apparent shortly. (Clears throat) As you all are aware, as you're figments of my imagination, 19-1/2 weeks ago I declared the goal of going from chain-smoking, beer-drinking couch potato to triathlete in 20 weeks. It is with much regret that I have determined that my swimming skills are not adequate to cover 400m in Lake Ontario, and rather than become involved in a scenario which involves dredging and questions as to what the hell I was thinking, I have withdrawn from the Toronto Island Give-It-A-Tri. Twenty weeks was long enough to get into shape. Wasn't long enough to learn how to swim.
REPORTER 1: How do you feel? Are you disappointed?
FBW: How do you think I feel, ya yutz? I'm disappointed on a scale you can't imagine in your pointy little head. On the bright side, I didn't drown. This gives me a warm feeling inside.
REPORTER 2: Is this the end of your triathlon career?
FBW: Buddy -- and by "Buddy," I mean, "Jackass" -- my triathlon career hasn't even started. If I've learned anything from being a Brett Favre fan, it's that it ain't over until it's over, unless it's over, in which case, it might not be over.
REPORTER 2: That answer made my head hurt.
FBW: Good. You should have an aneurysm. Putz.
REPORTER 3: Do you think you made errors in your training plan?
FBW: What, you all came off a short bus? Of course I made errors in my training plan. I'll start analyzing them as soon as I stop crying myself to sleep and post them on my blog, like anyone will read it now.
REPORTER 1: What would you say to Fargo, who's participating in a Give-It-A-Try in Cobourg two weeks from now?
FBW: Fargo ... this is my decision. It shouldn't affect yours. Go kick some ass, even if it's your own. And thank whatever's holy this week you don't have to put up with imaginary reporters.
Yeah ... been a bad week.Two nights I didn't sleep, vacillating between I absolutely can do this and I absolutely cannot. I haven't made 200m consistently in the pool for the last month; at best, I was betting there was a 50 per cent chance I could make it half way, which would have been irresponsible.I am going over for the race though. I'll volunteer if they let me.
I'm not done. I will try again. I'm going camping with my daughter this week, but eventually, I'll start analyzing what I did wrong. I'll learn to swim properly, instead of flailing for distance. I'll post more links here, too, instead of making it a diary of someone who can't swim 400m.
It ain't over ...
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It definitely ain't over! You obviously worked incredibly hard and have an excellent head start on next year's training and the lifestyle you would need to embrace to make it happen. I'm going back to read all your entries on this (still continuing) journey.
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I had only swam 150m before my first try-a-tri. It was suppose to be 300m but they jacked it up to 400m...scared the hell out of me, along with the prospects of my legs seizing up in the middle of the lake or simply stop working from my MS led to many a sleepless night.
ReplyDeleteI was just about ready to pull out but the last minute I decided to go do it, if I needed to get out of the water I could call the boat of shame. The wetsuit and breast stroke was my saviour... Is there still time for you to stick with it?
The first poster is right - it's not over. What about a duathlon? No one says you have to be a triathlete. Heck, going from zero to trying to master all three sports is one heck of challenge! Tackle a 5K race or 10K. Find your athletic happy place and go.
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FBW, I was sad to see your post, but only because I can imagine what a tough decision this must have been.
ReplyDeleteUltimately you have to be safe though. I'm sure your family and friends, heck even race officials and fellow competitors, appreciate you not putting yourself at undue risk.
I hope you don't beat yourself up too much, because it is pretty evident how much you have accomplished up to this point. I can't say enough how much I've enjoyed reading about your progress. Keep at it! You're not done and you know it.
Just over the last week or so, I have really started feeling much more confident about my go at the end of August, so I am ready to take on the challenge.
As for my invisible reporters, I'm not too worried. I'm the only story they've got, so they'll just have to be patient until I'm ready to make a statement, ha.
Thanks for the good reads!